Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all! This year, I got almost no presents and I couldn't be happier about it.

Let me explain. I'm a mild hoarder in recovery, from a family that tends to hoard all kinds of things. One of the main reasons that people hoard is because they didn't feel like they got enough love, affection, or attention when they were very young, and this is what caused their void. Since presents, and therefore any physical thing, that enters their hands is a sign of love or respect, and attention, from someone they find it almost impossible to let go of these things that are basically giving them scraps of the love they craved as children.

The only thing is, things can't love you. Keeping every card, every gift, every hand me down for the rest of your life and clinging to them won't make you feel loved. Using these things to remind you of these lovely moments where you felt cared for is natural, but counterproductive. Managing the growing piles of stuff you are hoarding, falling behind on the housekeeping, the impending squalor, the shame, the guilt, the frustration, the overwhelmed feeling, and the anger and isolation that come from hoarding and collecting things is not what the person who got you the gift wanted you to feel.

This year, when people asked me what I wanted, I said either a donation to my favorite charity, or time and affection. I'm going to have an hour long conversation with my Mom, probably one of a similar length with my Dad and my little brother, I saw a movie from Netflix (my way of seeing the movies I want without getting more clutter- I love it!) with a close friend and I am going to be baking cookies with another friend. I haven't gotten any presents for anyone that would contribute to their clutter, and instead have been doing more services and spending quality loving time with them- washing an older relatives windows, doing the mending with a busy mother while we chit chat, listening to a friend's problem. I've also given little, thoughtful token gifts but haven't felt the need to spend large amounts of money, and everyone has been very pleased with what they've gotten.

I have to say this is one of the least stressful and most pleasant Christmas holidays I have ever had. I don't have to worry about where I will put anything new, I haven't had to worry about if someone will feel loved or if my gift will be good enough. And best of all, there has been no guilt about not liking something that someone gave me.

I have told people that I am at a stage in my life where I am getting rid of things, and not interested in getting things. I want them to show me they love me with time, affection, and real love, not with substitutes. I've gotten that in spades and I feel deeply cared for and happy.

That feeling I can take with me anywhere, and I have no need of things to remind me, or to hoard things so I don't loose it.

I wish you the same thing, the same joy, for your Christmas.

Happy Holidays!

EFT for a specific piece of clutter.

You can use EFT to slowly break down the resistance to throwing things away by picking up one thing that you know needs to go but you can't bring yourself to, and asking yourself why over and over again, and tapping on the answers that pop into your head.

For instance, you can take an expired coupon from a paper pile, or something small and without a lot of charge to it, and hold it in your hand. Say, out loud, that you are going to throw this away. See if you get any emotional response from it- fear, anger, sadness- and go through an entire circuit on whatever pops into your head.

An example of how this could work would be like this:

Your Strong Self: I am going to throw this expired coupon away.

That Nasty Voice In The Back Of Your Head: No you're not. We might need that some day.

Your Strong Self: (while tapping on the eyebrow point) I can't throw this away, we might need it some day. And I choose to throw it away anyway. It's expired.

TNVITBOYH: You're not going to throw it away, you never throw anything away.

YSS: (while tapping the outer eye point) I never throw anything away. That's OK, I am going to throw away this expired coupon.

TNVITBOYH: This is going to end in failure like everything else you do. You're not going to throw that away. We need it.

YSS: (while tapping on the upper lip point) Even though I need this, and I am not going to throw this away, and this is going to end in failure, I am going to throw away this expired coupon.

TNVITBOYH: You failed miserably the last time you tried to clean your house, what makes you think this time will be any different?

YSS: (while tapping the chin point) I did fail miserably the last time I tried to clean my house. I'm not trying to clean my house. I am just going to throw away this old, expired coupon. Just this one. And that will be a success.

TNVITBOYH: You're so pathetic. Throwing away a coupon isn't success. Look at the rest of this mess.

YSS: (tapping on collarbone point) I might be pathetic, but I'm saying that throwing away this coupon is success. I don't need to clean up this whole mess, I CHOOSE to throw away this coupon. And that's all I need. When I am ready for it, I will throw it away.

Keep going through all the points, and tapping on anything that the nasty voice says, until you are no longer upset at the idea of throwing away the coupon. Don't let it distract you from the coupon! It might try to drag you off into other pain, to scare you away from fixing your anxiety about throwing away the coupon.

Once you have eliminated the anxiety about throwing away the coupon, and you feel good about it, march outside, toss the coupon into your dumpster, go inside and tap on all the points while saying "I am proud of this accomplishment and my glorious victory over my clutter. I threw something away and I am proud of myself."

If you feel like it, pick up one more thing you want to get rid of and repeat the process. If not, simply enjoy yourself and do it again with something else you are anxious about getting rid of tomorrow.

What makes you do it?

What drives someone to compulsively do anything? Why does someone do something over and over again, even if it makes them miserable and they hate it? Why does someone who genuinely want to change keep doing the things that make them miserable?

Most people with compulsive behavior are trying to fill some sort of hole in their hearts. They feel as if something vital is missing, and this lack creates a tremendous amount of anxiety. Compulsive behaviors are self-soothing behaviors, and what they do is they dull the pain and lessen the anxiety, but only for a short amount of time. There is always a rebound effect, which leaves you feeling just as anxious as you felt before, but now with the guilt and shame of having fallen prey to your addiction yet again, which only increases your pain, which increases your anxiety, which makes you crave your soothing behavior...

Solving a compulsive or addictive behavior is almost impossible unless you address the root issue FIRST. Instead of trying to rip away the only soothing mechanism a person has, it is much more effective, as well as being kinder and easier for you, to solve the problem of WHY you feel anxious in the first place.

When you look at why someone feels the need to hoard, usually you see someone who feels insecure about their place in the world, and someone who, at some point, didn't feel like they would have enough to see them through. They are perfectionists and whenever they fail to meet their own standards, they beat themselves up. No progress is good enough, so no progress happens.

It's time to stop beating yourself up. EFT is simple, easy, and it will help you close the void that pushes you to hoard in the first place.

Personal Story of a Daddy's Girl

My parents have recently divorced, after having been married for half of their lives. My father has been moderately to severely depressed for years, and has been in and out of the hospital with a variety of illnesses. He was also hovering around 380 pounds. To make things worse, he'd recently lost his job (along with many others who had been downsized) and was starting to slide back into inertia and depression.

From reports from family memembers, he had gotten to level three squalor. I was going crazy with worry and with guilt (as the eldest daughter, it's always been my role in the family to take care of my parents, but my career took me from North Carolina, where they live, to Texas).

I have to say I am now looking forwards to going home and seeing Dad's clean house. I got him tapping, and when he started to spiral out of control he used this as a lifeline.

His doctors have been amazed at how much more roubust his health is. Without dieting, or exercizing, he's lost 50 pounds and is now thinner than he was when I was born. His house is now under control. He's happier and lighter, both physically and emotionally, than he has been in my entire life.

His entire life has turned around. While he still has a long way to go until he's perfectly healthy and all of the old pain has been released, watching him improve has made me determined to share the benefits of EFT with as many people as I possibly can. It's been the miracle he was waiting his whole life for.

It's changed his life, it's changed my life, and I want to help it change the lives of as many people as possible.