Merry Christmas to all! This year, I got almost no presents and I couldn't be happier about it.
Let me explain. I'm a mild hoarder in recovery, from a family that tends to hoard all kinds of things. One of the main reasons that people hoard is because they didn't feel like they got enough love, affection, or attention when they were very young, and this is what caused their void. Since presents, and therefore any physical thing, that enters their hands is a sign of love or respect, and attention, from someone they find it almost impossible to let go of these things that are basically giving them scraps of the love they craved as children.
The only thing is, things can't love you. Keeping every card, every gift, every hand me down for the rest of your life and clinging to them won't make you feel loved. Using these things to remind you of these lovely moments where you felt cared for is natural, but counterproductive. Managing the growing piles of stuff you are hoarding, falling behind on the housekeeping, the impending squalor, the shame, the guilt, the frustration, the overwhelmed feeling, and the anger and isolation that come from hoarding and collecting things is not what the person who got you the gift wanted you to feel.
This year, when people asked me what I wanted, I said either a donation to my favorite charity, or time and affection. I'm going to have an hour long conversation with my Mom, probably one of a similar length with my Dad and my little brother, I saw a movie from Netflix (my way of seeing the movies I want without getting more clutter- I love it!) with a close friend and I am going to be baking cookies with another friend. I haven't gotten any presents for anyone that would contribute to their clutter, and instead have been doing more services and spending quality loving time with them- washing an older relatives windows, doing the mending with a busy mother while we chit chat, listening to a friend's problem. I've also given little, thoughtful token gifts but haven't felt the need to spend large amounts of money, and everyone has been very pleased with what they've gotten.
I have to say this is one of the least stressful and most pleasant Christmas holidays I have ever had. I don't have to worry about where I will put anything new, I haven't had to worry about if someone will feel loved or if my gift will be good enough. And best of all, there has been no guilt about not liking something that someone gave me.
I have told people that I am at a stage in my life where I am getting rid of things, and not interested in getting things. I want them to show me they love me with time, affection, and real love, not with substitutes. I've gotten that in spades and I feel deeply cared for and happy.
That feeling I can take with me anywhere, and I have no need of things to remind me, or to hoard things so I don't loose it.
I wish you the same thing, the same joy, for your Christmas.
Happy Holidays!
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
How to make your inner critic your best friend
Your inner critic (which I think of as "That nasty voice in the back of my head"), is probably one of the loudest voices in your life. Any time you do anything good, i.c's sitting there undermining your victory. Any time you do anything bad, i.c. remembers it for the rest of eternity and throws it in your face.
We can take the worst part about IC and make it the best thing about him. Your inner critic has a hard time shutting up.
A fantastic exercise can be to get a piece of paper, and write "I cannot conquer my clutter problem because" across the top. Now be quiet, because your inner critic will now have a field day and start to rattle off a long list of your past failures and reasons why you will never succeed. Listen closely. Write it all down. Your inner critic is writing their own death warrant.
Go to the top of your page, and say "Even though (whatever your inner critic said) is true, I still deeply and completely love and accept myself, and I choose to be open to the possibility of letting this go."
Tap on an entire circuit. Go to the next thing on your list and do the same thing.
Now, whenever your inner critic starts to lash out at you to hurt you, listen to it very carefully. Write down what it says. Then use EFT to take all the hurt and pain away from the very things it uses to cause you agony with and knock you down. One by one, the inner critic's weapons will dissolve and you will be completely free from it. Shutting that evil little voice up will give you more freedom, peace, and joy than I can possibly express. I haven't missed mine at all!
So, why CAN'T you be successful cleaning the squalor out of your life? I would love to know! So would a little sheet of paper that will hold the nasty things that evil voice says to you, while you dissolve them one by one.
Your inner critic, due to it's nasty desire to hurt you, will point out the most painful things first and show you exactly where to apply EFT for maximum healing. Using it as a tool to help you heal yourself will turn it from your worst enemy to your best friend. Try it and let me know how it goes!
We can take the worst part about IC and make it the best thing about him. Your inner critic has a hard time shutting up.
A fantastic exercise can be to get a piece of paper, and write "I cannot conquer my clutter problem because" across the top. Now be quiet, because your inner critic will now have a field day and start to rattle off a long list of your past failures and reasons why you will never succeed. Listen closely. Write it all down. Your inner critic is writing their own death warrant.
Go to the top of your page, and say "Even though (whatever your inner critic said) is true, I still deeply and completely love and accept myself, and I choose to be open to the possibility of letting this go."
Tap on an entire circuit. Go to the next thing on your list and do the same thing.
Now, whenever your inner critic starts to lash out at you to hurt you, listen to it very carefully. Write down what it says. Then use EFT to take all the hurt and pain away from the very things it uses to cause you agony with and knock you down. One by one, the inner critic's weapons will dissolve and you will be completely free from it. Shutting that evil little voice up will give you more freedom, peace, and joy than I can possibly express. I haven't missed mine at all!
So, why CAN'T you be successful cleaning the squalor out of your life? I would love to know! So would a little sheet of paper that will hold the nasty things that evil voice says to you, while you dissolve them one by one.
Your inner critic, due to it's nasty desire to hurt you, will point out the most painful things first and show you exactly where to apply EFT for maximum healing. Using it as a tool to help you heal yourself will turn it from your worst enemy to your best friend. Try it and let me know how it goes!
EFT for a specific piece of clutter.
You can use EFT to slowly break down the resistance to throwing things away by picking up one thing that you know needs to go but you can't bring yourself to, and asking yourself why over and over again, and tapping on the answers that pop into your head.
For instance, you can take an expired coupon from a paper pile, or something small and without a lot of charge to it, and hold it in your hand. Say, out loud, that you are going to throw this away. See if you get any emotional response from it- fear, anger, sadness- and go through an entire circuit on whatever pops into your head.
An example of how this could work would be like this:
Your Strong Self: I am going to throw this expired coupon away.
That Nasty Voice In The Back Of Your Head: No you're not. We might need that some day.
Your Strong Self: (while tapping on the eyebrow point) I can't throw this away, we might need it some day. And I choose to throw it away anyway. It's expired.
TNVITBOYH: You're not going to throw it away, you never throw anything away.
YSS: (while tapping the outer eye point) I never throw anything away. That's OK, I am going to throw away this expired coupon.
TNVITBOYH: This is going to end in failure like everything else you do. You're not going to throw that away. We need it.
YSS: (while tapping on the upper lip point) Even though I need this, and I am not going to throw this away, and this is going to end in failure, I am going to throw away this expired coupon.
TNVITBOYH: You failed miserably the last time you tried to clean your house, what makes you think this time will be any different?
YSS: (while tapping the chin point) I did fail miserably the last time I tried to clean my house. I'm not trying to clean my house. I am just going to throw away this old, expired coupon. Just this one. And that will be a success.
TNVITBOYH: You're so pathetic. Throwing away a coupon isn't success. Look at the rest of this mess.
YSS: (tapping on collarbone point) I might be pathetic, but I'm saying that throwing away this coupon is success. I don't need to clean up this whole mess, I CHOOSE to throw away this coupon. And that's all I need. When I am ready for it, I will throw it away.
Keep going through all the points, and tapping on anything that the nasty voice says, until you are no longer upset at the idea of throwing away the coupon. Don't let it distract you from the coupon! It might try to drag you off into other pain, to scare you away from fixing your anxiety about throwing away the coupon.
Once you have eliminated the anxiety about throwing away the coupon, and you feel good about it, march outside, toss the coupon into your dumpster, go inside and tap on all the points while saying "I am proud of this accomplishment and my glorious victory over my clutter. I threw something away and I am proud of myself."
If you feel like it, pick up one more thing you want to get rid of and repeat the process. If not, simply enjoy yourself and do it again with something else you are anxious about getting rid of tomorrow.
For instance, you can take an expired coupon from a paper pile, or something small and without a lot of charge to it, and hold it in your hand. Say, out loud, that you are going to throw this away. See if you get any emotional response from it- fear, anger, sadness- and go through an entire circuit on whatever pops into your head.
An example of how this could work would be like this:
Your Strong Self: I am going to throw this expired coupon away.
That Nasty Voice In The Back Of Your Head: No you're not. We might need that some day.
Your Strong Self: (while tapping on the eyebrow point) I can't throw this away, we might need it some day. And I choose to throw it away anyway. It's expired.
TNVITBOYH: You're not going to throw it away, you never throw anything away.
YSS: (while tapping the outer eye point) I never throw anything away. That's OK, I am going to throw away this expired coupon.
TNVITBOYH: This is going to end in failure like everything else you do. You're not going to throw that away. We need it.
YSS: (while tapping on the upper lip point) Even though I need this, and I am not going to throw this away, and this is going to end in failure, I am going to throw away this expired coupon.
TNVITBOYH: You failed miserably the last time you tried to clean your house, what makes you think this time will be any different?
YSS: (while tapping the chin point) I did fail miserably the last time I tried to clean my house. I'm not trying to clean my house. I am just going to throw away this old, expired coupon. Just this one. And that will be a success.
TNVITBOYH: You're so pathetic. Throwing away a coupon isn't success. Look at the rest of this mess.
YSS: (tapping on collarbone point) I might be pathetic, but I'm saying that throwing away this coupon is success. I don't need to clean up this whole mess, I CHOOSE to throw away this coupon. And that's all I need. When I am ready for it, I will throw it away.
Keep going through all the points, and tapping on anything that the nasty voice says, until you are no longer upset at the idea of throwing away the coupon. Don't let it distract you from the coupon! It might try to drag you off into other pain, to scare you away from fixing your anxiety about throwing away the coupon.
Once you have eliminated the anxiety about throwing away the coupon, and you feel good about it, march outside, toss the coupon into your dumpster, go inside and tap on all the points while saying "I am proud of this accomplishment and my glorious victory over my clutter. I threw something away and I am proud of myself."
If you feel like it, pick up one more thing you want to get rid of and repeat the process. If not, simply enjoy yourself and do it again with something else you are anxious about getting rid of tomorrow.
Finding a Root Issue
The fastest way to clear a clutter problem is not always the easiest way in the sort run, but in the long run it's so much simpler.
What you do is you find the root issues, the ones that hurt the most, and you tap on them. Any phrase that sends you into a flat-out panic the instant it pops into your head is PROBABLY a root issue.
Ask yourself why you collect things. Why you want things. Why you can't bear to throw this thing away. Let's start with the classic problem of not throwing away magazines and newspapers after you get the next issue.
Question: Why can't I throw away this newspaper?
Answer: I haven't finished reading it.
Q: Yes, but you haven't finished reading any of this big stack of newspapers, and you probably won't finish it. Why keep it?
A: I have to finish it before I can throw it away.
Q: Why?
A: Because it's wasteful to throw away something before you've used it up.
I know when I got to that point in my internal conversation, I was pretty easily at an 8 on the zero to ten scale of emotional intensity. If you are prone to self-examination, you can go a step further.
Q: Why am I so afraid to waste something?
A: Because I know I will never be able to replace it, and there isn't enough.
BINGO! For me, tapping on the phrases "there isn't enough" and "I can never replace it" were huge. A feeling that I was never going to be able to have enough, that there wasn't enough in the world and I would go without if I let go of anything, was forcing me to keep holding on to things that I didn't want, love, need, or enjoy.
You can also alter this technique a bit to help you when you're trying to clean anything or throw anything away, clearing away the mental clutter and pain as you clear away the physical clutter at the same time.
What you do is you find the root issues, the ones that hurt the most, and you tap on them. Any phrase that sends you into a flat-out panic the instant it pops into your head is PROBABLY a root issue.
Ask yourself why you collect things. Why you want things. Why you can't bear to throw this thing away. Let's start with the classic problem of not throwing away magazines and newspapers after you get the next issue.
Question: Why can't I throw away this newspaper?
Answer: I haven't finished reading it.
Q: Yes, but you haven't finished reading any of this big stack of newspapers, and you probably won't finish it. Why keep it?
A: I have to finish it before I can throw it away.
Q: Why?
A: Because it's wasteful to throw away something before you've used it up.
I know when I got to that point in my internal conversation, I was pretty easily at an 8 on the zero to ten scale of emotional intensity. If you are prone to self-examination, you can go a step further.
Q: Why am I so afraid to waste something?
A: Because I know I will never be able to replace it, and there isn't enough.
BINGO! For me, tapping on the phrases "there isn't enough" and "I can never replace it" were huge. A feeling that I was never going to be able to have enough, that there wasn't enough in the world and I would go without if I let go of anything, was forcing me to keep holding on to things that I didn't want, love, need, or enjoy.
You can also alter this technique a bit to help you when you're trying to clean anything or throw anything away, clearing away the mental clutter and pain as you clear away the physical clutter at the same time.
Does EFT work?
When I first learned about EFT I thought it was the goofiest thing I had ever seen. For one thing, I thought affirmations were stupid (my actual language is a bit coarser about the subject of affirmations), and I was supposed to say these weird, scripted affirmations when tapping my body all over, including lifting my arm and poking my armpit?
You have GOT to be kidding me!
EFT is free to try, though, and I am the type of person that will try anything and everything at least once. I figured the only thing I had to loose was 15 minutes.
The first issue I tapped on was physical pain from having a minor surgery. I hated the way the pain medication made me feel. I tapped on it, and the pain faded within one round to almost nothing. I started experimenting like crazy, to find out what else it might work on. I've spent the last year trying to test EFT to failure and each and every time, I find some way that it works to solve my problem.
I come from a family of compulsive hoarders and clutter bugs. I understand the deep empty feeling, the void within that makes someone try to fill it with things. EFT is the only thing I have ever seen that will close the void. No willpower, no medication, and no struggle is needed. It simply allows the old pain to be healed, so that you feel happy without the things. You start to be able to clean without feeling overwhelmed, angry, unappreciated, and panicked.
Life becomes a joy instead of a struggle.
You have GOT to be kidding me!
EFT is free to try, though, and I am the type of person that will try anything and everything at least once. I figured the only thing I had to loose was 15 minutes.
The first issue I tapped on was physical pain from having a minor surgery. I hated the way the pain medication made me feel. I tapped on it, and the pain faded within one round to almost nothing. I started experimenting like crazy, to find out what else it might work on. I've spent the last year trying to test EFT to failure and each and every time, I find some way that it works to solve my problem.
I come from a family of compulsive hoarders and clutter bugs. I understand the deep empty feeling, the void within that makes someone try to fill it with things. EFT is the only thing I have ever seen that will close the void. No willpower, no medication, and no struggle is needed. It simply allows the old pain to be healed, so that you feel happy without the things. You start to be able to clean without feeling overwhelmed, angry, unappreciated, and panicked.
Life becomes a joy instead of a struggle.
What makes you do it?
What drives someone to compulsively do anything? Why does someone do something over and over again, even if it makes them miserable and they hate it? Why does someone who genuinely want to change keep doing the things that make them miserable?
Most people with compulsive behavior are trying to fill some sort of hole in their hearts. They feel as if something vital is missing, and this lack creates a tremendous amount of anxiety. Compulsive behaviors are self-soothing behaviors, and what they do is they dull the pain and lessen the anxiety, but only for a short amount of time. There is always a rebound effect, which leaves you feeling just as anxious as you felt before, but now with the guilt and shame of having fallen prey to your addiction yet again, which only increases your pain, which increases your anxiety, which makes you crave your soothing behavior...
Solving a compulsive or addictive behavior is almost impossible unless you address the root issue FIRST. Instead of trying to rip away the only soothing mechanism a person has, it is much more effective, as well as being kinder and easier for you, to solve the problem of WHY you feel anxious in the first place.
When you look at why someone feels the need to hoard, usually you see someone who feels insecure about their place in the world, and someone who, at some point, didn't feel like they would have enough to see them through. They are perfectionists and whenever they fail to meet their own standards, they beat themselves up. No progress is good enough, so no progress happens.
It's time to stop beating yourself up. EFT is simple, easy, and it will help you close the void that pushes you to hoard in the first place.
Most people with compulsive behavior are trying to fill some sort of hole in their hearts. They feel as if something vital is missing, and this lack creates a tremendous amount of anxiety. Compulsive behaviors are self-soothing behaviors, and what they do is they dull the pain and lessen the anxiety, but only for a short amount of time. There is always a rebound effect, which leaves you feeling just as anxious as you felt before, but now with the guilt and shame of having fallen prey to your addiction yet again, which only increases your pain, which increases your anxiety, which makes you crave your soothing behavior...
Solving a compulsive or addictive behavior is almost impossible unless you address the root issue FIRST. Instead of trying to rip away the only soothing mechanism a person has, it is much more effective, as well as being kinder and easier for you, to solve the problem of WHY you feel anxious in the first place.
When you look at why someone feels the need to hoard, usually you see someone who feels insecure about their place in the world, and someone who, at some point, didn't feel like they would have enough to see them through. They are perfectionists and whenever they fail to meet their own standards, they beat themselves up. No progress is good enough, so no progress happens.
It's time to stop beating yourself up. EFT is simple, easy, and it will help you close the void that pushes you to hoard in the first place.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Squalor and clutter worse than a maniac with a gun?
An interesting article I found...
An Evansville man is arrested, his children removed from his custody, after police discover his home is filthy.
Police say James Mitchell was arrested on charges of felony child neglect and receiving a stolen gun. Officers were called to Mitchell's home on Savannah Road Sunday night, after someone reported Mitchell had a gun and wouldn't let people out of his house.
Police apprehended Mitchell without incident; but inside the home, they found four children, ages six to eight months, living in squalor.
The children have been placed with family members.
Mitchell remains in the Vanderburgh County jail.
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It's intereting to me that, while he had an illegal gun, the reason they took his children away was the squalor. What does it say about our society that when a man has a gun, and won't let people leave the house, they don't take his children away because he's a gun-weilding maniac, but because his house is filthy? To me, it says that the people in social services are more worried about squalor then they are about crazy people with guns.
Are you at risk of having your children taken away because of your squalor?
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